Ervin’s

32 years old and my first stool test tomorrow. Everyone I asked has had one. It’s like I just missed the 90s.

So the question is: prep it at home or at the medical centre?

I’m not sure my bathroom is ready for a ritual like this (and yes, if I do it at home it’s likely to be in the bathroom). I can just imagine the towels, toothbrush, razor, Dettol handwash and co. all looking on thinking, “wtf is he doing…..?” It wouldn’t be a normal day for those guys, that’s fosho.

The medical centre, on the other hand, would have all the facilities to ensure the best stool test experience money can buy. My only worry is that little Jim Brown’s gonna sense the danger and refuse to show up (or down, in this case). But can you blame him? His natural course should be straight down then flushed away into the abyss. Now little Jim’s gonna come out all ready to swim home, only to be scooped up, examined, poked at, and basically violated in every possible way. It’s just not natural, even for a turd.

And check out the ‘Incorrect sample- excessive specimen’ pic above. What the hell happened there?? Whoever did that must have crapped ON the stool card and then wiped off the rest of the area. It’s like a crime scene where the murder weapon’s an anal probe. Damn stool card must have been cursing itself.

The bold musical Magneto & Friends did not go down well with fans and critics alike

There’s Shakespeare and there’s ‘Royal Shakespeare Company’ Shakespeare, I’m told. Last weekend the RSC brought their King Lear to Singapore for a 3-day gig.

I was never quite into the texts and rarely liked literature classes in school, where I read the Merchant of Venice and Anthony and Cleopatra for my ‘A’ levels. But I attribute that to the teachers I had, who were more inclined to masturbate over the bard’s verses then to actually try and make the class like them.

Yet, I’ve always enjoyed seeing the performances – mostly TV versions in the early days, and a few films (never had much opportunity to see good live plays). I could probably watch Shakespeare on TV all afternoon but struggle to stay awake reading it.
 
Nothing wrong with that, I’d argue. After all, plays are meant to be acted out and seen. In Shakespeare’s time, his plays were the equivalent of our modern-day soap operas or sitcoms, staged for blue-collar commoners in England – not ‘royalty’ like so many who turned up for Saturday night’s performance decked out to be.
 
Oh, the atrocities of today’s theatre-going public (part of it at least). You’d think that if Shakespeare was alive, his plays would be attended by people from all walks of life, staged in venues decidedly less ‘high brow’ than the ostentatious Esplanade that comes complete with drink prices that will put most airports to shame.
 
As someone who can barely quote a few lines from Shakespeare, and who more than felt the pinch of $160 for a 3rd floor circle seat, it bothers me that more people could not have seen this wonderful play.

The distance between me and the stage / actors were distracting at times, and my attention had to stretch in periods but there were moments where the emotions tear through, like scenes of Edgar’s grief at finding his blinded father; Lear’s heart rendering reconciliation with Cordelia; and the King’s mourning of his youngest daughter’s death before completing the tragedy by accepting his own.

If your average housewife or coffee shop uncle can be hooked to Korean drama serials like crack heads, they would bawl over a tragedy like King Lear. It is quintessential drama, above all else.
 
It’d need subtitles for the rest of Singapore, of course – not a problem if the organisers were willing to push for it. Many foreign productions have had it. Video screens would also help as one really needs to be close to the actors. I can’t imagine the RSC not wanting the most diverse community of people to see this, especially in Asia.
 
As it is, the RSC’s King Lear will be marked on Singapore’s 2007 cultural calendar as a highlight of lauded prestige, attended by some students on group discounts, but more noticeably by hordes of well-dressed people who were at the champagne line during intermission faster than you can say ‘Gandalf the Grey’. 

Finally, McKellen’s Lear, while excellent, did not surpass Lawrence Olivier’s 1984 TV version, which remains the definitive Lear for me. But my assessment is probably unfair as I had the luxury of camera closeups with the latter, while from my seat on Saturday night I could barely make out Sir Ian’s nose.

Polar staff auntie:   Want two? Got promotion.

                   Ervin:   One please.

Polar staff auntie:   Two for $2.60 only. Usual price $1.60 each.

                   Ervin:   (Yes, I can read) One enough, thanks.

Polar staff auntie packs one chicken pie into a paper bag. Collects $1.60.

Ervin reaches for the bag but grabs it by the wrong end. The chicken pie falls out and lands on the floor.

Ervin looks at the splattered pie, then at the Polar staff auntie.

 Polar staff auntie:    Not our fault. Cannot give you another one.

                    Ervin:    Ok, I’ll buy another one.

 Polar staff auntie:   Lucky, buy two got promo price!

Ervin paid a total of $2.60 for ONE chicken pie, realised he is out of cash, went up to the third level’s ATM, inserted his card, entered his PIN, and pressed $1,000 instead of the $100 he intended.

For the rest of the day Ervin walked around with a grand in his pocket, but strangely did not feel sexually more empowered.

THE END

Yet May 22, 2008 is the date all other studios’ summer tent poles are distancing themselves from. On that day Indy rides into theatres again, accompanied by John Williams’ classic theme, and grown men will (for the second summer in a row, after this year’s Transformers) be reduced to fanboys, daring only to cheer at their hero in the anonymity that the movie theatre provides.

In the hands of another director, this would easily be the lamest of comebacks. But Spielberg helms this project as he did the previous three, starting with ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ – the perfect and quintessential action adventure movie. Ford of course returns as the man with the hat and a fear of snakes.

Spielberg + Harrison Ford = Movie Gold. Period. Nevermind that Harry’s in his 60s and George Lucas pops in here and there, wearing dodgy T-shirts.

It’s good to see you again, Indy.

Raping the 80s

Mech Daddy

Suddenly, a familiar, awesome voice filled the theatre as Optimus Prime (voiced by the original’s Peter Cullen) began his prologue. In an instance, I was transported and the nostalgia was complete.

The next 2 hours 15 min was the best time I’ve had in a cinema for as long as I can remember. From the opening attack by the terrifying Blackout to the final shot where Prime looks the skies, hoping that the last of his race hear his call, this movie is all gold.

The comedy was great, the action rock-hard, and the CGI staggering. Angels must have shed tears when Optimus Prime transformed for the first time.

Sure, the story was feather-light and while you don’t have to leave your brains at home, it can pretty much cruise on stand-by throughout the movie. Hey, it’s Michael Bay afterall. But the stars are the robots, and every dollar spent on ILM is onscreen.

Having said that, Shia Labeouf was very watchable and Megan Fox…well, I’d pay to see her play a kitchen sink.

It is easy to mock any perceived importance of a movie based on a toy line (or one directed by Mr. Bay), but just like how audiences were blown away by Jurassic Park’s dinosaurs 14 years ago, Transformers achieved the rare feat of putting on screen something truly fresh and awe-inspiring. No one has seen any of this stuff before, which is why it’s going to be one of the biggest hits of the year and hopefully validate the genre to allow more robot franchises to grace the silver screen. The possibilities are mouthwatering – Voltron, Macross / Robotech, BattleTech, Evangelion, Gundam…

80s cartoons are at least looking to be the next wave for Hollywood studios, with development starting on classics such as He-Man,  Thundercats and G.I Joe. It’s going to get crazy and some of these movies are probably just plain, bad ideas. But the fun is in the talk and anticipation – just like how we used to wait agonizingly for next week’s episode to see how the Autobots are going to whoop the Decepticons’ mechanical asses; how G.I. Joe will save the world from COBRA’s evil clutches; how MASK will foil the insidious plans of VENOM once again….

Transformers kicked it off in serious style. It’s fingers crossed from here onwards.

Finally, this is just sacreligious:

How Cartoon Network is Killing My Childhood